A good friend emailed me a while back and asked about my experience of the “inner child” on my road to healing. My inner child, who I called Little Danny, was an integral part of the book I had written, “Freedom’s Just Another Word.” My friend wondered if my experience of that inner child had changed over the years, or if that child was still a part of me in some ways. Here’s how I characterized it:
My sponsor in one of the 12 step programs several times said that when a person goes through a traumatic event, the ego freezes at the age the person was when the trauma took place. Pretty psychological, but it certainly felt like what I experienced. It was the essence of Little Danny. Either an 8 year old, a 14 year old or a 17 year old, the ages of my major traumas. And my process was releasing that old frozen ego and allowing myself to mature like I didn’t do at the time, yet also honoring Little Danny. I learned after a while that my abandonment fears are resident within him, and I have to get him to “buy in” to things I am doing, or he rebels, digs in his heels, and says “like hell you will!” I vividly remember driving north from Houston to do a sweat lodge to release some old traumas, and having to explain to Little Danny that I wouldn’t abandon him as I did that work.
I’ve found that when he understands what’s happening and I treat him like the bright, intuitive and gifted child he was/is, he goes along. And my recovery gets better. But it has also been my experience that he doesn’t go away, nor do I want him to, but he just doesn’t run my life in dysfunctional ways any more. My sponsor used to talk a lot about parenting the child, and I’ve had to learn to do that. I hear an interesting comment one time. A woman said something along these lines. “I hear everyone talking about the inner child, and how great and wonderful it is to get in touch with that child. But for me, there’s the other side of the coin, that when that child gets out of control, she’s gotten me into a lot of trouble. I want to honor that child, but not let them run the household any more!” I thought there was great balance in that – kind of like inventory work where you turn a character defect into a character strength, but using it more appropriately. So – my cognitive thinking skills don’t get overused and thrown back at me as “you’re so darn analytical all the time!” It works better if I listen to my inner child, but don’t always let him run things!
Thoughts Along The Road to Healing 
Yes, one of my inner little girls is the one to carry the shame of the incest. She felt so unworthy of love that she didn’t even want to let my angels come near her. That was a hard one to get her to let go of the shame that she was carrying on her small shoulders. I believe it is shame that makes us feel so unworthy of being loved and cared for. She was the most alone and hurting of all of the inner children that I have encountered.
I did this work with 2 close friends that I trusted. It took over an hour for this little girl to let me get close to her. She was in so much pain. Finally I was able to get her to let me hold her and comfort her. Then she could accept the light of the angels to add to her comfort.
Wow, powerfully said, Patricia! You can just hear how much pain that inner girl was in! Yes, shame is an incredibly strong force, binding us to be unworthy of love! I think it is amazing how you did this inner child work to have that child allow you to hold her and comfort her! Incredible imagery, and I’m sure that must have been supremely healing! Thank you so much for sharing this! 🙂
Dan, earlier today I posted a new article on my blog and linked to this article of yours. The idea has been inside my head since I read your inner child posts to do some work of my own. In the next day or two I am going to start my own series of articles by writing a letter to my 3-year-old inner child. She is the one who called herself an adultress. Thanks for your inspiration.
Patricia, you astound me! The way you synthesize information and use it to see your next steps in the healing journey is phenomenal! Thank you so much for putting a link to my inner child article on your blog! I know the inner child work is going to be astonishingly powerful for you! It sure has been for me. Interestingly, Marj has asked me to host the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse for June – on Inner Child! I guess you could call that timely! 🙂 I know you will have some powerful things to share! Fondly, Dan
Dan, you will do a great job with the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. Marj has asked me before but I just don’t have the technical skills to pull it off.
Yes, I do agree that I have the technical skills to pull that one off! 🙂 After Marj asked me back in April, I set up a template of the June blog as a draft, just so I could see how it would lay out! I have fun with those kinds of things, and her asking me to do one on inner child is a perfect fit! That’s ma thang! 🙂
Hi Dan. I am just getting used to my inner child, ever since starting t. over a year and a half. Thank you for sharing a little bit of little Danny. Blessings.
Hi there JBR! I’m so glad to hear from you! I’m thrilled that you are getting in touch with your inner child! It is a special place to be! I’m very glad you enjoyed my sharing about Little Danny! Warmly, Dan
Hi Dan, I come over form Patricia. Being in recovery from PTSD, depression and selective anxiety disorder I have had a very hard time working with my inner children.
During my intense trauma therapy (3 months, 35h/week) I learned on various occasions and in various ways that we ALL, mentally ill or not, have inner children. That those will always be with me, yet some are more present then opthers. The more present one kid is the more it needs the work, obviously. By now I am doing good with my inner kids. Particulary Little Paula.
Yes, I present here a different view then your 12 step program. Wishing you well.
Paula
Hello Paula, and thanks for taking the time to visit my blog and comment! Yes, Patricia is one of my most wonderful supporters, and I’m glad she connected us! I agree with you that we all have an inner child – it’s just harder for some of us to connect with that child! Mine, Little Danny, was hiding in the back of a closet, and I had to coax him out! It is wonderful that you have connected with Little Paula! Actually, while I did get in touch with my inner child through 12 step – it was through a mentor who was also a therapist, and had me try many things outside the typical 12 step work! It sounds like your intense therapy was wonderful and I’m sure led to a huge amount of healing! Glad to have you join us here! Warmly, Dan
Dan and Paula, reading your comments had me remembering that my own original inner child work that I did years ago wasn’t through my 12-Step meetings either. It was started with the help of one friend who was a counselor and then a few years later continued with the help of a second friend who was a Unity teacher. Both of those friends gave me valuable information that helped me to grow tremendously.
Dan, I “stumbled upon” your wonderful blog via a Twitter post and was wondering if you had read “Don’t Bring It to Work” by Dr. Sylvia Lafair. The book talks about the patterns that get hardwired into every one of us through our family of origin, the culture we grew up in and crises in our lives. We then bring those patterns into the workplace, which creates all kinds of chaos and misunderstanding.
Dr. Lafair lays out a method for transforming our patterns; we never really eliminate them, just change them into something positive. Her book is based on her observations during many years of family therapy. She now works with leaders to help them heal the past so they can more effectively lead others.
Thanks for your courage in writing about your personal experiences with your family.
Hi Mary! Well, isn’t it interesting how we sometimes connect through the random twitter post? I send them out randomly, and if it helped you find my blog, wonderful! Thanks for your kind words about my blog, and for the info about the book by Dr. Lafair! I’ll definitely give it a look! I’ve done a lot of work on the family things I carried, mainly manifesting thru PTSD, and I know what she’s talking about in how we bring those patterns into our workplace! I hear the part about not eliminating our patterns but turning them into something positive. In the 12 step jargon it’s turning character defects into character strengths.
I appreciate you honoring my courage in writing about my experiences with my family! That is my path with heart, to share a message of hope to others who are dealing with similar issues! It seems those pains of the past are really heightened right now, and there’s a huge need to share the hope! Warmly, Dan
Hello everyone.
I very much appreciate this blog, continue the great work!
Tell me what you think of my theories regarding hypnosis!
Thanks for your kind words about my blog! I’ll check out your theories on hypnosis! Thanks for sharing them!
Hi Dan,amazing article!
I am also a ‘victim’ of my inner parents who didn’t value my inner child.However,for me issue was a bit different. from first grade, i was always the great perfect child,best student in the class,then in the town.Always in competitions and winning them. I was always set an example to children of friends of my parents.So i wouldn’t say that i was abused in family,my parents loved me.
But the thing is,as i see know,my perception was; my value was dependent on what i accomplished.I was valuable as long as i accomplish.I am sure my parents didn’t want to make me feel like that,but all the ‘environment’ around me was.I was a well-behaved,quiet(which is something promoted big-time in my culture) and successfull child that everybody should mimic.I was an introvert child,which is also kind of favorable for parents because of not causing troubles.
So for many years being a sucessfull student and and then an engineer, i always felt a big shame in case of a small failure(of course it was not a failure,a mistake may be)or trying something new and always feared from failing.Thus i become perfectionistic man in all areas of my life.
Now,to overcome this,i am meeting with my innerchild every morning for 30 minutes,asking him questions and trying to hear him,listen him.I am asking him what he likes,hates,what he feels and recording these to a journal.
So i hope i can start hearing him well after a while.
Thanks!
Selman – wow! What a wonderful response to that blog post. It is amazing how much and how well you connect with what I shared. I do know what you mean about “perfect child” – I was a hero child, the best of grades, winning competitions, that sort of thing. Until it got dangerous and Dad squashed all of that! Then I became ordinary. If you get a chance, read my poem “Heartbeat” on the blog site, and you’ll see how that all came about. Yes, value dependent on what you accomplished! It’s a tough one to break out of. I was an introvert as well, but didn’t know it for years, because I played the clown to mask my shyness.
I am astonished at how lovingly you are honoring your inner child now! That is wonderful! That is an amazing journal, and I bet when you come back to it later, it will be even more incredible! I honor you for listening to him! It has taken me many years to be able to do that, and not ignore him like he was ignored as a child!
Dan