(Written November 12, 1988)
By holding on to hate, focusing on those objects of anger, I tie myself to the past. But denying the anger as well did not work, because I was tied just as much, without knowledge, unable to escape the chains.
By moving through the anger and hurt, I am freed – freed to live in the present and look forward to the future. Savoring each day and each just more rich experience. To feel the power of the lion, rather than the rage of the tiger.
Yet, paradox once again. I am returning; returning to a realm of almost forgotten knowledge, awareness. Of the time when I had what I am. I knew what I know now.
Who I am, what I want, what I want to do.
To know the incredible sweetness of the spiritual flow of words from my pen to paper. Feeling at that time empowered by God, blessed, enriched, in harmony with life, embracing my destiny, fully myself, not a role or what someone else wishes of me, joyful, hopeful, expectant.
Knowing – that I am to have a special someone. Someone I don’t know and cannot describe, but who will, with perfect divine order fit my needs and meet my needs – all those that can be fulfilled by a lover.
Aware of and accepting the limitations of that relationship. Not teenage fantasy of being everything, each day flawless and goodness and goo, but commitment – I love you when I don’t like you, when you leave your socks on the floor, when you need space and I need to be held.
The mundane of bills to be paid, stubbed toes and egos, upsets and in-laws, shopping and ironing, the IRS.
But even so, more comfortable together than alone, comfortable in silence, enjoying going to movies, walks on the beach, exploring the wildflowers, expanding each other, seeking God together.
I at my computer, composing, concentrated, enveloped in creativity; she respectful of it, yet not waiting for my return, sitting and toe tapping, but also enrapt in her own world, developing, growing, blooming. Then free to return to togetherness, sharing the growing. No fear – of leaving, because at last we are not runners. The need to leave for a time – to walk amid trees separately – brings no fear of abandonment, because the commitment brings freedom and the knowing of return. The steward of each other’s solitude.
A return also to the full awareness of my spiritual richness. The ability to transmit warmth and safety. So that cats and small children feel safe to draw near, are attracted to the warmth. Aware that I think of someone and they – if they are a kindred spirit, receive and know of my thoughts. Knowing the joy of looking across a room at someone facing the other way, sending a silent message saying “I love you;” they turn, look, then smile at me – she doesn’t know why, but I do.
Having healed the wounds, yet never losing the scars, knowing that I understand those who have been at war, and those who have stood in an old Western town in the middle of a dusty, lonely street, facing an opponent with a gun.
Aware of the incredible paradox of being a boxer with a killer instinct who can also craft fine poetry, play sweet music, wishes no harm to others. This too, is my destiny. I cannot escape it, but as I embrace it, though it has its own special sadness, I become more fully me.
Feeling so harmonious with God that at long last I am able to follow God, blind as a newborn puppy, having shed the everpresent why, relaxed and expectant through the unknowing. Knowing that when I know not what to do I will be shown. That I cannot describe that special someone, but God can and is gently, firmly, leading me to her.
Knowing full well the gratitude and deep humility of the time when with all the efforts, willingness and surrender, I stood before Him not knowing what in me was broken, yet knowing it was, and He showed it to me, even in my hour of deepest defeat, and released me of it. The hour pride was killed. the realm of miracles.
Knowing that this hour is a beginning, a fresh start, all will be brought to fruition. As I most fully claim the many talents I possess, I have not to battle against the old pride, because the brand of humility has been so deeply burned into my soul. By grace I am alive and know. By grace has the tiger been silenced.
So to joy, to experience, to fulfillment, the pen flows more freely, the words leap into congruence, wisdom, insight, harmony, in an everchanging simplicity.
I even look different. The eyes, open, wide, childlike. The brow no longer furrowed, arms uncrossed, shoulders relaxed, loosely smiling, radiant with love. yet through the anger the boundaries – you have your space, but leave me mine. The balance.
Always the balance. Maintaining harmony. Celebration. No hurry, no rushing to finish one even to be on to the next. The celebration is in the moment. So now to joy.
————
Epilogue:
I wrote this piece in 1988, but hadn’t read it in almost 20 years. I found it, almost by accident, when I was looking through files for things to post on my blog site. I was astonished by the voice I heard speaking to me through this piece. In the early ’80s I read a book entitled “The Bridge Across Forever,” by Richard Bach. In that book, Richard from 20 years in the future came and talked to Richard in his present time, and told him things about his future. It was written metaphorically – you thought, but you weren’t sure.
When I read Celebration, I had that eerie sensation that I’d had a similar experience to Richard Bach in his book. The things I said in this piece could have been written today, and were infinitely more true about me today than back then. In 1988, I was 15 years away from even beginning to see the impact my grandmother had in my life and the abusive seeds she had planted in me at age 8. Those events directly locked up my creativity for many, many years. The publication of the book I wrote entitled “Freedom’s Just Another Word,” brought those issues to the surface, and broke the back of those old wounds with Grandma. Which freed me to be where I am today!
I embrace Celebration as a statement of my present!
Dan
Thoughts Along The Road to Healing 
What wonderful optimistism. I love the sense that this young man is about to embark on something spectacular and knows it… that he cautions himself to remain in balance, to always remember but to never repeat the past, to never fail to appreciate the gifts he has and will have.
And also I love the mirror of the book – the twenty years of time, the seasoned life travelor and the beginning journeyer.
Like you, I have overcome so much and so I understand the depth of how it feels to be able to appreciate one’s own gifts and the joy of simple pleasures.
I would like to get your book. I can’t do it now, but it is on the cue. I am rationing myself right now because I have to focus my time on finishing my book and reading for pleasure is one of the things I am “fasting” on at the moment.
Shen – Wonderful feedback as usual! Yes, embarking on something spectacular is the feeling of it. Yet, the balance – absolutely! I was actually blown away by how the seasoned traveller spoke through to the beginning journeyer! Pretty amazing to pick up this piece after 20 years and listen to the words I had said back then!
I hear you on not reading a lot while you’re finishing your book! I did that as well – particularly books of a type that might confuse my writing process! I look forward to hearing what you think when it’s time to read my book!
Warmly,
Dan
Welcome to the realm of miracles, my friend.
Beautiful, absolutely beautiful.
Thank you Kim! I thought you’d find this of interest! Yes, the realm of miracles!
My grandmother was a very powerful, mostly positive influence in my childhood. I believe that my value system came from my grandmother rather than my parents. When I was 2 years old, I went to spend time with my grandmother and the uncle that lived with her because I had whooping cough. I just last week wrote about this experience as possibly my first experience of abandonment. On a more positive note, I grew to love this grandmother and uncle possibly more than my own parents. It was this grandmother’s house that was in my tiger dream.
Just in the past 2 years, I read the Richard Bach book that you mentioned and enjoyed it. I think the Richard Bach book that had the most impact upon me was Running From Scared. I hope I have the name right. It has been a long time since I read it.
I like the name Celebration for this article. As Kim said, this is absolutely beautiful. I heard a lot of my relationship with my husband Daniel described in your words. We are a very close couple but we are both very much our own individual also. We share so much but also both have activities that we do alone or with other people. We have been married for 37 years and our love for one another is still growing stronger each year. Daniel is writing a novel about his great-grandfather who fought in the Civil War. Right now he is sitting at his writing table in our den while I am here on the computer leaving comments on your blog and thinking about my next article that I will write in the next few days on my blog.
Patricia – thank you for your kind words about this post – yes, when I rediscovered it, I too was struck by what a beautiful writing it was! Amazing how it brings up for you the reflections about you and your husband Daniel – I can even see you in the same space, he writing, you on the computer, but sharing the moment nonetheless! Wow – that is heartwarming! Yes, the Richard Bach book blew my mind for a number of reasons, and this whole aspect of future Dan visiting back then Dan really struck me. I have Running From Scared, but I haven’t read it – although it looks to be a marvelous book!
I’m looking forward to your next blog post! 🙂
I sure am enjoying our conversations and shared reflections! This is very, very cool!
Dan
Dan, I too am enjoying our conversations. I saw your comment earlier but had to get off of the computer because of heavy thunderstorms going through central Arkansas where I live. A few years ago a friend lost her computer to a lightning strike so I always unplug it during thunderstorms. We had a very active weather system come through tonight. So far 4 tornadoes have been tracked through the state. The closest to Hot Springs where I live was about 35 miles north of us closer to Little Rock.
I am still processing in my mind the thoughts about your tiger dream articles. When I finish processing it, I will let you know what I come up with.
I don’t believe in coincidences. I found your blog and then your tiger dream video and article to give me the missing pieces to my own tiger dream. The way that our thoughts seem to be clicking together makes me feel that we have a connection of sorts even though we have never met. I do believe that we are all interconnected on so many different levels.
Patricia – no, I don’t believe it is coincidental that you and I have connected – especially with the tiger theme so prominent for both of us! As you phrased it, “our thoughts seem to be clicking together.” I am really getting that as well. Interestingly about the tiger – I’ve just been asked to submit an article to “Women’s Empowerment Magazine” which I normally wouldn’t have thought about doing. But a good author friend of mine who had recently done a radio interview with the editor recommended me. The editor asked if I would be willing to submit. I think because women would benefit from seeing that a man is working through his abuse issues, not just passing them along. Anyway, the tiger dream figures prominently in that article – in much the same way the radio interviewer picked up on that I did the video about. It’s an interesting new slant, and I did it in 1,000 words. I’ll keep you posted on that!
Yes, good that you disconnected the electronics when the storms came through! That may have been the same cell that went through Fort Worth a couple of days ago, headed east!
I’m sure we’ll be talking soon!
Regards,
Dan
Dan, that is awesome that you are submitting an article to a women’s magazine. I have a number of male friends in addition to my husband and each of them enriches my life in different ways. Men look at things from a different perspective than women do. I think that men and women complement each other quite well in our perspectives.
Yes, it is an interesting experience to share with a women’s magazine – I wasn’t sure if my article was what she was looking for, so I gave her a way out, in case it didn’t fit her needs. She sent back and said “So powerful, so good. This is exactly what I wanted. Thank you so much.” The article just wrote itself so quickly that I figured it was what I was supposed to share. And it was a very powerful one – after she publishes it in her magazine, I’ll put it out as a blog post on here! I think that a man is trying to work on healing his anger is the hopeful message for women that I was supposed to share!
Aw, this was a really quality post. In theory I’ d like to write like this too – taking time and real effort to make a good article… but what can I say… I procrastinate alot and never seem to get something done.
Thank you for your kind words about this post – it did take some time and effort to say just what I wanted. Thank you for honoring that! I hope you give it a shot some time – just have to make it like a business project and spend some time on it!