I received this question from someone who had just read my book, ” Freedom’s Just Another Word,” where I confront some pretty bad demons from my past:
How did you overcome your fear of dealing with all the pain coming to the surface? I have not been able to conquer this fear I have of experiencing all that pain. I can talk to myself, try to reason it all out. I know this stuff is poison. If I let it all stay buried in there it is going to continue to rot my soul. I can know this in my head, but the fear is greater than my reasoning.
Here’s how I responded:
OK – that really is the essential question. The fear of dealing with all the pain coming to the surface. A very real, very pertinent question. It sort of gets back to simple concepts – “The way out is through!” “The only pain you can avoid is the pain of avoidance.” In my case, I had watched my Dad for 20 years be sober in a 12 step program, but not be willing to deal with the feelings underneath his drinking, which I strongly suspect were from his childhood. He had his first heart attack at age 44, open heart surgery at 47, a colostomy at 52, and died of a stroke at 59. OK – for me, I knew I was destined to go down that same road if I didn’t change the dynamic in some way. Intuitively and spiritually, I knew that meant I had to face the demon of the old, buried feelings – it would continue to “rot my soul” and I would end up dying early as well. So at that point – at the time of ” Freedom’s Just Another Word” – dealing with the pain was for me a life and death struggle. Once I acknowledged that, I became more like they talk about in recovery literature, “willing to go to any lengths.” Hence the title, and the associated second part of the song line I had “Nothing Left to Lose.” I didn’t choose that path, I was watching all my friends have normal lives and I was having to go through this shit, and resenting it – but that was the path I needed to go down.
So I had realized I needed to do this work – but how to actually get to it. Several ways. Fortunately I had the wonderful sponsor in one of the 12 step programs who gave me this huge gift. He told me that if we start doing feeling work and it gets to be too much, there is a natural defense mechanism in the body that will shut it down. I found that to be true! I would start crying a box of Kleenex cry, deep and intense for several minutes, and then almost magically I would pull out, it would ease off, and I would be fine for a couple of days until we needed to release some more feelings. It happened many times with the sadness. Where I didn’t trust it was with the anger. That’s a couple of books down the sequence, but I will soon write a book about how it was for me in dealing with an anger so pure and white hot it scared me. And eventually it went away. It was that way with the feelings. They felt like they would never stop, and as I kept unloading and unloading, they subsided and finally went away, and I was left with a new awareness, attitude and sense of peace. It really happened! I was pretty surprised, because I sort of never thought I could get there.
Another thing that really sustained me in continuing down the path of dumping all that old stuff was a book I mentioned in Freedom – “Hind’s Feet on High Places.” It is a Christian allegory about a woman named Much Afraid who lived in the Valley of the Fearings with her cousins, Bitterness, Envy, Fear and I believe Resentment. She left to go on a journey to be with the Shepherd in the High Places. That book spoke so much to me about a journey of faith, knowing what you should do and doing it – even if others don’t understand, coming to a deeper faith in trusting that God is with you when you go on that journey. It is a powerful book, it soothed my heart, and kept my feet moving forward when I wasn’t sure I could keep going.
The third thing that I think was hugely beneficial was a strong set of friends who did support me and encourage me to keep going. I had to let some people go who were negative influences, but I still had some solid people who could be there for me – even if they didn’t really understand what I was struggling with. Yes, it is an isolating journey, and I think friends like you have will be an invaluable asset for you in countering that isolation as you let those feelings out. I mean, the essence of what I learned in a 12 step program for those who grew up with alcoholism was “Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, Don’t Feel” and those were the family rules I was trying to overcome.
I hope this helps, and I know with your great therapist, you are setting a platform from which you can confront those old feelings and bleed them from your system! They do eventually go away – I’m living proof. I just turned 59 (yes, the age my Dad was when he died) and I plan to be a 90 year old guy, writing books and doing Tai Chi. When I went for my physical last year, the doc said “so other than a few allergies, you have nothing wrong with you.” It took a while for the power of that statement to sink in – all the old ailments I was accumulating while stuffing those feelings have gone away, and I am in a whole new space!
Regards,
Dan Hays
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Footnote: I just went back and looked, and I received the email with this question on April 21, 2009. I have stayed in regular contact with this person, and since overcoming the fear of the pain, this person has made huge strides in getting past some substantial abuse issues from the past. It is a real life example where confronting the fear is easier than the continuous effort needed to try to avoid it! Avoiding the buildup of “the poison … that will rot my soul” – great way to put it!
Hi Dan,
Great post. This is a question I’ve also heard. I wrote this post:
http://reunitedselves.blogspot.com/2010/03/what-happens-to-you-does-not-define-you.html
in response to one of those people
This is a great, reassuring way to explain it, Dan. Really a worthwhile post for anyone with fear.
Shen – Thanks for your kind words on this post! Yes, I felt it was a good time to re-post this one, because the question comes up a lot. The most responses I get on Twitter are when I post this! I love your blog post! It is wonderful. Especially when you talk about the horror movie, and then the monster finally pops out, and it’s the guy wearing the stupid costume. The image that came to mind is in the Harry Potter movie when Professor Lupin has them let the boggert out of the closet, and it turns into something silly! My sponsor used to talk about naming my fears something ridiculous, because then you take control of them. Thank you for sharing your wonderful post!
I did a series of oil paintings over a year and a half hoping that they would help me get in touch with my feelings. You could see the feelings, especially the rage on the paintings but I still didn’t feel them. I shared those paintings with my 12-Step groups and in several of my counseling groups hoping that talking about the paintings and explaining what I saw in them would help me to feel. It didn’t. That finally began to happen about a year after I finished the last painting.
The sadness was the first feeling that I got in touch with. When I finally started to cry, I didn’t know if I was going to stop. I cried for over a year at almost every 12-Step meeting that I went to because those meetings were a safe place to cry. I didn’t want to scare my children so I didn’t cry much at home. At the time, I was also still protecting my strong super-woman image. I was better but still a long way from healthy. At the time I was going to 3-4 meetings a week.
My husband has always been okay with seeing me cry. I didn’t cry much at home because I didn’t want to have to try to explain why I was crying when I didn’t always know the answer to that myself. Even when I started to feel, I didn’t know how to distinguish between the feelings and give them a name sometimes. It was a slow process for me.
I was terrified of letting my rage out. When I started letting it out and was learning how to control it, it didn’t always come out in appropriate ways. That probably took a year or two as well to learn how to be angry but not use that anger in inappropriate ways. My husband will tell you that we went through Hell during that stage of my recovery. I tried his patience a lot during that time period. I could have used your anger contract but I am not sure that I could have been as committed to it as you were. The rage was so hard to control because it was so big and so strong from building over the years. I had to make some amends to my husband and my children after I learned how to do anger in a healthy manner.
I thank you for sharing this post.
Patricia, you chronicle so much of my journey with your words! I did a lot of journaling to try to access the feelings, and I just couldn’t get to them for a long time! I remember doing a men’s grief therapy group, and I would read incidents, and the guys would all have the feelings and I would write them down to see what I would have felt if I could! I still have that notebook, but when I read those incidents now, I can access the shock of the feelings I couldn’t feel back then. I too cried a lot and didn’t think it would ever stop! It just went on and on, and then started to subside. Then yes, the anger and rage, for a long time – hence the Anger Contract! I had to purge that poison!
But for me, because of the violence with my Dad, what seems to have taken the most time to release has been the fear – and under that – the terror! When your life has been threatened and you think the end is near, I shut down so hard, it took a long time to get back to the fear/terror! But I was fortunate to be around a feelings group that modeled releasing feelings – and with fear, it was shaking, like people do after a car wreck. My arms would shake (fight) then my legs would shake (flight) – interesting how that worked for me. I’m still having waves of the fear release, and it’s tough, but at least I know what to do – don’t resist, let it release, just like with the tears and anger, and eventually it subsides! As one person told me at a critical point – Dan, trust the process! As I have, it has gotten easier, and better not carrying all that weight!
Thanks Patricia!
Hi Dan!
What a great treat, to be reminded a year later where I was then, and where I am now. Still working hard, still uncovering painful parts of my life that were previously hidden from my conscious memory, but no longer afraid to face what is there. It has been a very hard process to get to this place, and I still haven’t accessed very much of the grief or anger, although I have noticed a few ‘moments’ here and there of things surging up from the deep places. I fully expect that this is going to take me a long while to get through, but because I am blessed with the safety of my therapeutic relationship and the encouragement and wonderful beacons of light from my friends in the survivor community, I have found such courage to keep pressing on, even if I don’t know where the next batch of needed strength is going to come from. It always shows up when I need it, so I have learned to trust the process!
Thank you so much for being a part of that circle of friends that has given me so much courage and light, for all the great examples of your own journey, both past and present. Your contribution to my own journey has been irreplaceable, I will be forever grateful for our paths having crossed!
Keep on shining! Looking forward to the next book, I think I will be in the appropriate stage of the process where it will come in handy! lol
Hugs,
Jeanette, a Grateful Friend
Hi Jeanette!
Well, I was not using your name in this post, 
but since you did, yes, it was your question that sparked my email response to you! And I have to tell you Jeanette, that whenever I put out a tweet about this post, “Overcoming Your Fear – Facing The Past” – it gets the most responses and views of anything I do! Thank you for asking such a powerful and insightful question!
Yes, you have made tremendous progress, very much due to your fearlessness and hard work! Amazing to think where you were when you asked that initial question. Your steadfastness in doing the work, and in being dedicated to your healing process, is just an example of what comes from breaking past that fear and becoming willing to do whatever it takes to heal! It just does take a while, in truth longer than we want it to, but the rewards from taking the process head on – well, you are the example of those rewards!
I am so honored and humbled to have your reading of my book lead both to your leaps and bounds healing process, and to this post which seems to be helping so many! I am deeply grateful that we’ve developed such a friendship over the past year, and that I am one of your trusted circle of friends!
The next book – working on it, “And Then I Stop” about a third through, and shooting to have a draft before the end of the year. I only recently finished purging the crazy Grandma messages from my system where I could finish the book! But yes, I do suspect you’ll find it handy in the next stages of your process! LOL!
Warmly,
Dan
Dan,
This is truly a testimony to the strength and ability of the human spirit…yours for overcoming and moving to a place where your triumph is now leading others to a place of healing and others for trusting you and following your lead to returning to the wonderfulness of life.
I was once married to an abusive alcoholic that lasted 10 years. (a story for another time!) But the one thing I see is that when people are down in the deepest of despair, the best thing to help them begin to crawl out of the darkness is to be able to find something to be grateful for…and the one thing that anyone who is beginning the journey to healing has and can be grateful for regardless of their situation is the gift of “awareness”. Awareness that you want more and you want better for yourself. That awareness is not always there for everyone. Sometimes people have become so entrenched that they can’t even see a different way of living. So when anyone says to me , “I have such a horrible problem…etc.” I stop them and congratulate them on having the where-with-all to recognize there is a problem!
Awareness is the first step…and something to be grateful for.
Many Blessings my friend,
denny
Denny – WOW! Thank you for your powerful comments! Yes, it is amazing to be at a place where my experience can be helping others, and see some positive come out of the abuse I had to work through.
I think that’s why this post has resonated so strongly with people – it is about someone – Jeanette, who commented just before you – who was asking how to break through! And to be able to update this post to share how she has grown and worked on her healing for the past year was a very heartwarming thing to be able to do! Jeanette is a powerful example to all of us of the power of healing!
Denny, I had never heard about your marriage to the abusive alcoholic. I’m sorry you were in that place, but I’m glad you got out! Yes, you had the awareness that it was not where you needed to be, and you did something about it! I understand about how some people are so entrenched they can’t see a different way. I’ve seen it many times!
Yes, awareness is the first step, and grateful to have it is a wonderful attitude!
Thank you for your wonderful, faithful and ongoing support!
Dan
Dan; what a terrific story of courage…the human body, mind and spirit is so capable of so many great things. My favorite way to describe this learning place of connecting with the feelings that were buried for so long is to have finally recognized my emotions to be the lighthouse that guides me out of the fog and to that safe harbor.
It’s only been recently that I’ve been connecting with others who have travelled this path and found their way…I am honored to meet you:)
Susan
Susan – Thank you so much for honoring what I have written, and for stopping by to tell me that! Yes, the spirit and mind are capable of amazing things if we let them free to heal! What a wonderful way to describe it – a lighthouse to guide you out of the fog and into safe harbor. I’m delighted that you connected with me here – it’s interesting, because there is a growing community of us who are traveling this path who are sharing and supporting each other, over the social network when we haven’t even met! I think you’ll find fellow questers who are on the same path you share in your wonderful blog! I’ll just mention that I have a Facebook page, where you’ll find a number of us who share there, and support each other in the journey!
Regards,
Dan
I was just speaking with a woman today about this topic. She realized that she’d spent her whole life distracting herself from dealing with her pain. Now all she’s doing is dealing with the pain and learning about who she really is. She doesn’t know. I’ve heard that when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing, that’s when we are able to face the pain. I’ve also heard it said that one of God’s graces to us is that we are able to be in denial of our problems until we’ve been given the tools we need to deal with them. From personal experience, i agree. It is comforting to know that when we get to the point that we are finally able to recognize that there is a problem, we already have the tools necessary to deal with it. We don’t realize it of course, but we do. The only thing that can keep us from succeeding is fear. I’ve always thought that most of life is about learning to overcome our fears, don’t you?
Thanks for stopping by to comment Veronica. And congratulations to your friend who is now dealing with the pain and probably facing her fears in the process. I love that saying that we change when the pain of who we are – as I heard it said – becomes greater than the fear of who we might become. I guess it’s that facing the unknown as opposed to the familiar which causes the resistance. It certainly did for me. And for the woman who asked the question that generated this post. When the fear is about a “painful past” and the possibly overwhelming painful feelings that might arise – that caused me to balk at facing those feelings for a long time.
I do agree that when we are able to recognize that there’s a problem, we have the tools to deal with it – or at least have them available. In my experience, I’ve seen a lot of people who have access to solutions who decide to stay in the problem. Therein, I think, lies the courage – to actually walk down that painful road. Yes, life is about overcoming fears, but not all do it. I decided I had to because circumstances let me know that I would die an early death if I didn’t – when my painful past was revealed to have violent abuse in it, that was very daunting.
It sounds like you have confronted similar fears, and have used the tools to deal with them! Congratulations, Veronica! As I mention in interviews and things “no matter what the abuse, there IS the hope of healing!
Dan
Excellent..i ended up reading it on my phone..lol.that was very good
Thanks Tami, for stopping by to comment. I’m glad you enjoyed this post!